i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
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i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
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I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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