I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
