i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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