I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
