shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
