I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
