i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
It's never too late to be topless.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
