i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
