You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
We have started to decorate penises.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
