I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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