I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
