I can tuck mytits in my pants
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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