the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
