I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
