My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
