I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
