The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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