we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
