Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
