I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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