well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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