No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
