So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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