you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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