Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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