i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
