i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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