My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
