She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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