its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
you will always have a special place in my vag
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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