Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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