Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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