My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
