my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
