Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
