Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
