I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
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