I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
