I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
