Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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