I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
