Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Randomize
