I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
