girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.