Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
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Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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