Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I want to be your penis for a week.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
