I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
