I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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