I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Success! We fucked roommates!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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