And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
