Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
