I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
