im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
