I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
