And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
