It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
