I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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