Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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