How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
