My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
