Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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