Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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